No Excuses, No Regrets, No Envy, No Fear

32 &79- MUSICAL THEATRE DARLING

2011-09-10T03:11:00.002-04:00

“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.”

Wisdom of Confucius

So a year or so ago, if not more I took on a task that was meant to motivate me to, get out there and LIVE and not merely be a bystander in my own life. Then said life got in the way and I haven't completed as much as I would have at the moment, but easy does it, whatever. However, I have managed to completed some of that daunting list and I've had some fun doing it.

In April, (yes were are currently in September) I went to New York City with Rebecca to see How To Succeed In Business (Without Really Trying) which if for those not in the know is a broadway musical which is currently starting Daniel Radcliffe. By going I got to check od two things on my list, as well as meet and just generally be in the presence of Harry Pot- I mean Daniel Radcliffe. Who is this cute little pint-size ball of perfectness, both in the play and in everything else he decides to do. Here is some picture evidence.

Pint Size Perfection

Now anyone who knows me also knows about my deep love of Harry Potter, this was huge. I might have been interested in the play because he was in it but it truly was an a great show with great cast. We got box seats, only because I didn't sleep, drank all night, meet some interesting New York characters and waited in line an obscene amount but it was all work it.

While we were in the city, I also got to stop by my girl Carrie's Brownstone, did some Karaoke horribly and all around just enjoyed my time.

So to numbers 32, which is only partially done as I have four more broadway plays to see and to 79 which is totally done. Hoorah.

I am holding on to this until an Ebay Payout

I might also be a little too old to this excited about this kind of stuff, but Peter Pan says, whatevs.

P.S- This puts me like second degrees from every major amazing British Actor known to man and that list includes Mr Darcy, I mean Colin Firth and if I think hard enough Jude Law.

Smiles

Yes, That is me with a Tony Winner. You're Jeal.

strip me.

2011-09-08T23:21:00.001-04:00

Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime
Earning things that I don't need
But that's like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty

I'm changing. Everyday I feel this shift in myself that seems like puzzle pieces moving about to find their place in the new landscape of the person I am becoming. There are a few things that I can pin point that I know changed the person that I could have become.

Constant Vigilance, I have learned so much from the Harry Potter series and the biggest lesson has to that of keeping your eyes open and to always proceed with caution, but not to the point it cripples you. Constant vigilance is simply understanding that its always important to take a second and closer look, to know that not everything is as it seems, and that not everything is going to be the way we imagined it was. Its understanding that rush judgement can and will forsake us. I know that every single Harry Potter fan has their story, of why this series means so much to them, and my story is at one point in my childhood, Harry Potter was my imaginary friend who was there when no one else was, who was there when I was trying to fit in and the new world that I suddenly had to call home. It made me realize that it was okay to be different, that our differences actually enrich our interactions and make the world an interesting place to be. This is what I will always carry with me, that my experiences, my friends and my choices are making me into the the person that I am and will become with more living.

everyday is a school day.

2011-08-03T12:45:00.001-04:00

Earlier on today, I got tagged in blog post from Liadee but all I could read from it was that is was going to be a post about what her friends have taught her, and I couldn't read it right then so I got to thinking, what is it that I have taught someone, what mark have I left on her and on others what would warrant a mention. I was not entirely sure that I had taught anyone anything really. At the end of the day we are the sum total of those people and the lessons and impressions they left on us and we chose to hang to to. Those lessons we do hang on to are those we then pass on to others even if we don't realize it that we are leaving a part of ourselves to those we spend time with.

Once I got a chance to read what worldly lesson I had imparted to her, I couldn't help but laugh, because that same lesson is one my mother has been teaching ever since I could remember. Mama always said don't be stupid, think twice before you jump, be practical. Of course during my rebellion years I did just the opposite and I got to learn some things about myself, the world and the people in th because of it.

the twenty something plight

2011-07-24T23:03:00.000-04:00

the hardest thing for twenty somethings, well for me at least is that its harder to make make real friends now that it was back then. It's not so much as making friends than it is the wanting the have the friends you have in the same vicinity has you, but that gets harder and harder as people move away and move on. So you fall into a routine because you have suddenly found yourself in a 9 to 5 which when you were younger you swore you wanted because it would fix all those life ending situations only a teenager can have, but no amount of Dolly Parton singing will turn back time, but this is what you wanted right? right? After work, are exhausted and you just want to sleep. and you repeat process.

Sometimes I just want to scream that I want my friends back, my old life back, or something which I don't really know because another thing I can't seem to be able to so is made a life decision. figures.

the journey is home.

2011-06-01T22:34:00.000-04:00

A recurring theme in my life as been trying to figure out were home is. Looking back, I have even talked about it when I went back to Zimbabwe after so many years away. I am forever trying to reconcile my Zimbabwean heritage with my American upbringing and my need to explore the rest of the world to find those pieces of myself in those yet to be discovered places. I find myself being uncomfortable with being in the same place all the time, I have travelled away from home at very opportunity since I can remember and in the recent months, I have gone above and beyond to prove that. It might have something to do with hating my job, but that's another story, another dollar. In the recent months so many changes have taken place and what I can say I have taken way from it is that for me at least, I have figured out that the journey is home. The constant exploration of new and old places and faces is what grounds me when the positive is hard to find or I am at my wits' end. Figuring out where home is like a piece of the puzzle that is my so called life slotting into place, discovering something about myself that settles the constant questions that are forever swirling relentlessly in my mind.

It's been months since I have felt like putting my thoughts down and I am glad I am getting my mojo back. It's definitely time to start again.

you can't text message break-up:

2010-11-04T15:55:00.001-04:00

"Now,not wanting to change it but having to change it? That takes everything you've got."- John Mayer

I have always hated text messaging, as I much prefer the swift phone call, but I went along with the times and joined the texting train. There is so much about texting that has always irritated me, you send a message and then you wait for the response, when you could have just called and said whatever it is that needs to be said. However, in today's world people seem to be losing the spoken word. I get it sometimes you can't talk because you are in a meeting, at work or around other people whatever the case maybe, but I think there should be some times that you can't text. Conversations that are too delicate and too important to have though text messages. Imagine a text message proposal, no one accepts that so why should it be acceptable for people avoid conversations by texting them. There are issues with how someone can receive a message and it reads like its not meant to and you end up with people putting words in your mouth and things get out of hand. That's why Carrie went crazy over being broken up with on a post it note, I say post it note, text message, Dear John letters, emails or whatever shouldn't be used, its not right, it demeans the relationship, it says you are not even worth a phone call or even an in person conversation.

So this is a pledge I am making to myself. I will no longer be using text message as means of communication. I will call, maybe leave a message and that's that. One good thing is I can now stop giving AT&T $10 per month for unlimited texting because I won't be needing it. I can actually even use that ten bucks to treat myself to some marathons at the $1.50 movie theatre. When a door closes, a window opens and all that jazz.

dream big or go home

2010-11-01T13:10:00.001-04:00

At the last minute, I have decided that I am going to participate in this year's National Novel Writing Month, in which I have to write 50, 000 words of a novel or have a completed novel by then. It was an impulse decision, which seems to be how I do this anyways and it feels right that I at least attempt it. I feel like in my Master's degree so far I have written more than than so I should be able to write 50,000 words of whatever I want and hopefully without using the words International Relations for once. At this moment I got nothing. No plot, no characters, I don't even have a clue as to what kind of novel I am going to attempt to write. While I know it won't be science fiction, a mystery or suspense, I got noting. When I first decided I joked about my name coming after #1 New York Bestselling author, dream big or go home I say. I am interested in were this ridiculous attempt/adventure will take me, I am prepared to fail completely and utterly but I am hoping that this will become something I can be proud of myself for. It will certainly give me something to do and occupy my time and allow myself to see what I am capable of. This is also crazy because I have my school work to contend with so basically I am insane.

I currently have less than 500 words of what I don't know so luckly its no plot no problem, otherwise I would be in big trouble. There a NaNoWriMo kick off thing happening tonight so I am thinking about heading over there maybe I will be shamed into actually coming up with some that can possibly reach 50000 words by the end of November. I have a feeling that for me November will be learning month, more so than usual, but as they say , everyday is a school day.

fleeting freedom

2010-10-29T12:47:00.001-04:00

It's a bit weird to find myself back here, exactly were I started. I have always had this idea that to achieve freedom I should go far away from home, somewhere nobody knew who I was and what my story was so that I could have a blank slate to be whoever I wanted to be. So being me, I left home and moved to a foreign country to live a life long fantasy that allowed me buckets of freedom. There I was anonymous in the crowd, girl A and I had the freedom to be whoever I wanted to be. Sometimes I would go out with an alias like those secret agents, complete with background story, Diana Prince, Mary Jane Kent , Stella Rollingrock, for me the fun lay in the name as I would smile to myself when I said because it was obviously a way to geek out on all the comic book, t.v or movie characters. I enjoyed the anonymity that I was afforded and being back here feels like I am caged in with no way out, I feel as though I have taken several steps backwards and I have to start over. I feel like I am losing this race against my own goals and expectations, like I have failed myself. Things aren't has simple as as they seemed to just a mere week ago before I came back home.

I feel like nothing has changed at all yet nothing is as it was before...well maybe me talking in vague confusing terms like Dumbledore or Mr Miyagi is the only difference. I feel like how you feel when you get back into your driver's seat after someone else has driven your car and has changed your seat and I am trying to get it back to a comfortable position, but I don't want to comfortable position to be what it was before. England didn't change my life forever, it enriched it with new experiences, friends and most importantly freedom. It was exactly what the doctor ordered but now I have to figure out the next steps from here, from this place I feel like is caging me in from all angles wanting to keep me trapped and immediate response is wanting to run away as far as I can to get back I what think I lost.

you got the love.

2010-08-25T20:54:00.000-04:00

"Later that day, I got to thinking about relationships.There are those that open you up to something new and exotic.Those that are old and familiar.Those that bring up lots of questions.Those that bring you somewhere unexpected.Those that bring you far from where you started. And those that bring you back.
But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all...is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you, you love, Well, that's just fabulous."
Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)
I have been thinking about relationships lately and I don't think I can put in better words than those above the many different kinds of relationships there just might be. Moving to a new city where you no virtually no one makes you appreciate the relative comfort of the relationships who already have as well has see just how strong they are. Another interesting thing about moving to a new city is how hard making real connections actually is when there isn't a pretext of going though the same experience like moving away to college to act as a starting point. Its interesting to meet and converse with someone with the full knowledge that the chances of ever seeing that person again are very very slim, but you talk about whatever, laugh together and share a bit of yourselves regardless of how meaningless the conversation actually is and that is the beauty and the curse of virtual anonymity because sooner or later, you are going to need and want something more concrete. You're going to miss the easy moments with friends and family that are now not as easy to organize and the I should have are starting to pile up. I guess I have had relationships on the mind because it seems everyone around me is settling down, moving in together, getting married and having and/ or planning to have babies and I seem to be running away fast in the opposite direction. The thing about other people doing all this sort of makes you think about it yourself. When I was younger I would have just dismissed the idea of marriage and would have said something along the lines of "its for other people, not me" but I think now its more of a maybe I could be the marrying type, maybe and even if I were to get married it wouldn't be now, definitely later and as for kids, at the moment thats still a solid no. Most days I feel like I can barely take of my needs yet alone the needs of someone more needy than I am.
At the moment, I like where I am...unattached and free to roam the world. fabulous.

music equals magic

2010-08-09T13:09:00.000-04:00

There is something about hearing a song for the first time, the uncertainty and anticipation about whether or not you will connect with that song.Music is a lot of things for a lot of different people. For some is a way to escape, to forget, to remember and to belong. For me music is all those things as well as about connecting and getting a sense of camaraderie and a sense of I am not alone after all. Music is magic in its own way, the way it is strongly attached to memories is extraordinary. Like how every time I hear On the Radio by Regina Spektor I am immediately transported to furiously writing a paper at 5am in the morning that was due in two hours , or how It's A Metaphor fool by Say Anything reminds me of my roommate and our dorm room and all the memories we made there.

When I have a good playlist going, I feel like I am actually never alone, and I feel like my train ride was actually shorter than I thought it would be because the music made the journey. I guess this is like my ode to music, to the songs that mean so much to me, to the catchy ones that terrorize me, to the ones I love to hate.

To Music.

me three.

2010-05-03T02:43:00.000-04:00

3 names I go by:
1. Hither
2. Hithy
3. Hith

3 jobs I have had:
1. Desk Receptionist in the college dorms
2. Office Assistant (speaks for itself)
3. Public Relations Director for Student Media (My fanciest job title to date)

3 places I have lived:
1. Harare, Zimbabwe
2. Wilmington, NC
3. Raleigh, NC

3 fave drinks:
1. Coffee
2. Cherry Coke
3. Lady Gray Tea

3 TV shows I watch:
1. Bones
2. CougarTown
3. Glee

3 places I have been:
1. NYC
2. LA
3. Austin, Texas

3 places I would like to visit:
1. Prague
2. Ireland
3. UK

3 fave retro TV shows:
1. Friends
2. Will and Grace
3. Boy meets World

3 fave dishes:
1. eggs any way, except over easy ( you mean over gross me out)
2.beans on toast
3. popcorn- not a dish but my love for popcorn in strong

3 things I am looking forward to:
1. Living in London
2. Finishing my Masters by the end of the year
3. Getting a job

Three makeup Products I Can't Live Without:
1. Eyeliner
2. Eyeliner
3. Moisturizer

Three Superpowers I Wish I Had:
1. Flying
2.Mind reading/ tell the future
3. Healing

Three Songs Currently on Rotation1. When did your heart your heart go missing by Rooney
2. Precious Love by James Morrison
3. Carry On by Martha Wash

Join the Fun. Everyone

do blah blah blah in london town.

2010-03-15T23:52:00.002-04:00

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

I think I made the decision that one day I wanted to live in London when I was about thirteen, this might have been under the influence of teen punch drunk crush on one Jude Law and complete awe of the Spice Girls...I know, I know, it was ten years ago, I was young and ridiculous... get over it. It has taken plenty of years of false starts to finally be able to say I am going to London, yes the reasons have shifted and evolved just as I have but at the moment that thirteen year old is screaming her heart out...oh wait I think she just passed out from uttter excitement...no worries, she will be fine :)

I have always had this sense of London was something I had to do for myself. I am fascinated by the history, the culture and the people. I have always wanted to experience it all myself. Mind you, this is not the only place I want to visit, if I could I would want to live everywhere just for a little while.

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” – Martin Buber

I am excited, terrified, anxious, ecstatic and buried under a mountain of paper work and information I am trying to make sense of. I think it just hit me today that I am really doing this and in came the questions, where will I live?, what's the best place?, the cheapest?, the closest to school?, can I get a job,? do I need a job?, what about my phone?, can I use it there without AT&T? what about my netflix account? Will I meet people? Will my visa get here on time? is the tube easy to learn? and a whole gang of other questions and concerns I haven't even thought about yet. One thing I am not worried about is the English differences. I was raised on the Queens English and hallelujah to that, even now ten years later, I still say till and gawked at like a crazy person, so at least that's one less thing.

I am just excited about the opportunity and the experiences that are in store for me and how they will change me as a person.

Been There, Done That.

2010-03-12T01:04:00.001-05:00

While it might not look it, based on my lack of new posts. Its been a busy February. I managed to go to the most violent city in the world (Juarez, Mexico) without even a clue that's what I was getting myself into, thank God, I lived to tell the tale. It didn't look dangerous, it had a lot of character and a lot of history as well. It starts like this, I went to L.A to help Rebecca move back east, and that included yet another coast to coast roadtrip, the first one was almost two years ago helping her move to L.A. I hate sitting in a car for a long time, actually I hate actual travel, whether by plane, train, car, boat whatever, I don't like it one bit, but the world traveler in me takes it because the destination is always worth it. So with an obnoxious thousands of miles to drive we hit the road on a Monday. Driving from Los Angeles, California to El Paso, Texas. this is were we decided to go to Mexico , the opportunity was there so we went. It never crossed our minds to check to see exactly were we were going. It was only after we are in Mexico and we see men with guns and such patroling that we thought well, this might be unsafe. So in all my wisdom we got a taxi tour of the city and were out of there in under an hour . So what can be learned from this. Always google your destination.

33. 36.- Let's Start Here

2010-01-21T17:35:00.001-05:00

So because of my hiatus, I am a little bit behind, or something like that, but I have managed to get a couple of things checked off.

While in Zimbabwe I got 33. Get second ear piercing. I winced and cried like a little girl...actually the lady said none of the little girls all day had cried and this was all before she even put the piercing gun close to my ear.Once the horrendous experience ( a whole minute of a slight pinch) was over. I felt quite ridiculous for the dramatic and tearful experience I provided the jewelery store employees but its all in a days work.

36. Try 10 new restaurants.

Mom and I went to this place on Monday and I a good time. Its one of those big screens on every wall, playing every imaginable sport known to man. The food was okay, nothing mind blowing as to be expected in a place that specializes in a tower of beer. ha ha.

So it seems I am making slow but steady progress.

Your Past: A Legacy?

2010-01-20T00:59:00.002-05:00

Recently, I feel like the past is so very much my present. Whether its that I see a person that at one point was major fixture in my life or song will trigger a memory and I am struck with a deep feeling of nostalgia so much so, I wish I could return to that moment. It is widely agreed upon that the past helps shape the character and personality of a person, as well as the decisions we make or don't make, the invitations to go out we accepted or declined as small as it might seem, it make up the sum total of experiences that define a part of the present.

Lately, I find myself turning over decisions I made in the past or decisions as current as yesterday and wondering if it was the right choice. I am not into regretting my past, I am all about embracing it, taking whatever lesson to be had and promptly moving on. Earlier today I made a comment about my past not leaving me alone and someone said it was my legacy. Looking back on my life thus far, there is nothing I have done, that I am intensely proud of and there is nothing I have done I regret or am shameful of. I might have regretted somethings in the moment after but in retrospect it is just something that happened. I know that feelings fade with time but there are some things that the feelings are the exact same as they were the moment they happened and no matter how many years I am removed from that moment, I will feel the same amount of disappointment, joy, glee or whatever feelings. Are these moments the legacy as they never fade?

Catching Up is Hard To Do

2010-01-08T17:29:00.000-05:00

I haven't written a blog in a little over two months and that means, I am behind in my 101 in 1001 list among other things. It sucks to be behind but the reason for it was totally well worth it. The time I spent with my family was incredible. Just being back was a truly amazing experience to the point of I did not want to come back. 2009 was a year of plenty of changes and I am sure 2010 will be as well. I spent the last two months of the year in Zimbabwe with my family. It was a time of celebrations and plenty of togetherness. One of my sisters(cousin) got married and I got to reconnect with my family. I had a good time and I have made a decision to go back a lot more often than the previous years. I have a lot to catch up on, and the beginning of 2010 will be dedicated to doing just that, but i also hope it will will be filled with new adventures, opportunities, laughter and all that jazz.

the journey home.

2009-11-05T18:18:00.003-05:00

I have been truly blessed. I have wonderful friends (you know you who are, or at least I hope I have told you). Those can say they know me and there aren't that many of them, would completely agree and say that I don't always see the silver lining and I am more pessimistic than most. However, in the recent weeks, even I can see all that I have been blessed with and truly be thankful. As I am writing this, I am sitting on a flight back home. In the sense that is home if where the heart is, then mine is split between the place of my birth, my heritage, where I will always belong and the place I grew up and became who I am today. I am journeying back home, yet I am leaving home behind. I have been at plenty of crossroads before and I am at one now. I am excited yet wary. Who I was when I left is no longer who I am now. Those places that I once knew so well are they going to feel foreign? Am I a torist or am I going back home and it would be like riding a bike( which took me three years to learn how to ride by the way)?

Either I want it or not is going to be a time to reflect. I have been feeling a little lost maybe this trip home will help me find my way. I have joked about going and not coming back, but who knows really, a lot can happen in two months. There are plenty of things I am going to miss, here is a list:

Thursdays with Lanira, no one can watch movies like we do, Angsty phone calls from Becks about whatever boy is the flavour of the week., Bella's crazy drama, she truly belongs in France drinking cafe in a Cafe, Crazy weekends with my boys from Wilmington and my GC loves who also provide the best entertainment, random but very welcome calls from great friends just calling to catch up because we haven't spoken to in ages but it feels like we have just seen each other yesterday and the emails exchanged over which wedding photographer to pick, Skype Video chat just because we can, the spur of the moment trip because someone doesn't want to drive alone, attempts to hang out with those two I have known forever( I say attempt because its a blue moon we actually manage it ;) conversations about just how lost and conflicted were are, Starbucks Venti Vanilla Lattes, Bones, House, Glee, Cougar Town, and every other show I watch on T.V and many things I am sure I am forgetting. I am also going to gain a lot, I will spend time with my family face to face and it will be awesome.

I am gonna stop now before I actually cry while I write this.

#60 flexing the creative muscles.

2009-10-31T12:50:00.004-04:00

I write occasionally. Sometimes I am really proud of what I accomplish, others I am glad I am the only person that has seen the nonsense that finds itself on a page without my knowledge. Part of the 101 challenge is to write a poem a month, now whether the poem will be good; well that's up to opinion and I always take those with a grain of salt or simply ignore them if I so choose. I do welcome constructive criticism- this means you have something to add thats relevent and will help instead of just saying I don't like it. So for the first in a series of 33, wow maybe I can publish a book after this ha. I present a little poem, thats been edited so many times I barely recognize ( apparently a writer never truly finished the editing process) but I somehow like it.

Heirloom

a moment in time given

to the pain that coils about my body

like the comfort that made me cry

when you touched me like a family heirloom

Passed down

Precious and priceless

used and useless

I felt like I was

anywhere but my own skin.

the laugh lines around my eyes

become the only souvenirs of

our time together.

I find myself grasping for memories

that were once as vivid

as this moment.

your scent clings to me

becoming the essence of

another version of myself

altered by moments infused by your laughter

deceived by words that wrapped around me

comfortable, toxic

I don't know why I wrote it, but its out there now.

busy as a bee.

2009-10-27T01:16:00.002-04:00

It's been a week since I put up and committed to my list of a 101 things I want to accomplish in 2 .75 years and I've got to say, I am off to a bad start. I have yet to attempt even a single thing on the list. I don't even have a better excuse than life happens. In the past week, I have gotten into a fender bender, my first in my driving career. I was more pissed of than anything that it happened. I wasn't even on my phone or anything. It was one of those things that blindside you when you have plans and a million things to accomplish and no room in your budget to accommodate such things. The only thing is that it could have been much worse than it was but at the same I keep thinking it didn't need to happen at all. After the excitement of the minor traffic accident, I went with a friend to Washington D.C for four days. It was fun, I love DC and am making moves to make it my new address. Being the dork that I am,I salivated and spent an obscene amount of time at the Library of Congress. The place is awesome . The picture below, is one of the many things I love about the Library of Congress. Its of the Goddess Athena or Minerva.

Not only was it fun, but I think I got some serious work out. We walked the National Mall from Capitol Hill, all the way to the Lincoln Memorial. I finally got to see all of that stuff so it was cool. Now I wish I had put some of the things I did this past weekend on my list, a lot of things would be getting crossed off. I plan on going back, there is still much to see in the federal city.

I am hoping that things will settle down this week and I can sort of get back in the groove of things but I know its only wishful thinking, I have to start packing for my trip to Zimbabwe. I am excited, overwhelmed, scared, and just downright think its weird that I am finally going back. I know I am going to feel like an outsider in a place I still consider home. I've changed and Zimbabwe has definitely changed, so hopefully it will be a nice to reacquaint

i want to be free.

2009-10-21T02:54:00.001-04:00

The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure , the process is its own reward. - Amelia Earhart

These days I am a fan of doing anything to break the monotomy of everyday life, so when I got the opprtunity of watching a movie( love it) for free(even better) I found myself agreeing before I even heard what movie it was, it turns out they were tickets to watch Amelia my excitement dropped a little. I love going to the movies, there is something about that big screen and the surround sound that just helps you get sucked into the story and for the popcorn, I am pretty sure is not a movie going experience without popcorn. I was't excited about watching Amelia because (excuse the critic for a minute) I didn't think that Hilary Swank could convince me that she was this larger than life woman who changed history. I walked in ready to hate everything about it, I was prepared to criticize at every chance. What I didn't except though was connecting so utterly with Amelia's life so much. The one thing she repeatedly said was that she just wanted to be free, free to see and experience the world.Through her passion, she was able to change the lives of many who only dreamed but never dared to try. When I walked into the movie, exactly how it was going to end and I was okay it that, when I walked out, I was planning a full blown search in my mind, she was probably just stuck on a cloud or something.

On the drive home, "I want to be free" sort of became a mantra in my head. It kept repeating itself over and over again, pushing to be forefront of every word I wanted to say. "I want to be free", it's a simple enough concept that everyone dreams of but the execution of the concept is the difficult journey. For me that is the journey of life.

to the future and beyond.

2009-10-18T22:20:00.000-04:00

Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament. - George Santayana

I have taken on an awfully big adventure. There is a project called the DayZero Project in which you put together a list of a 101 things to do in 1001 days. It took me a while to finish this list before it doesn't seem like a lot but a 101 things is quite a lot when you have to come up with them. This project was brought to my attention by Rebecca and I have tried to get other friends to join in. I like the flexibility and the motivation it sort gives you to try to be proactive about the things you've always wanted to do.

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

October 19, 2009-July 15, 2012

1) Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years.

2) Go to a music festival

3) Go to Disneyworld

4) Tip 100% to a really good server

5) Take a vow of silence for 24 hours. 5 times.

6) Complete a list of 100 things that make me happy

7) Complete the Lord of Rings trilogy

8) Finish seeing all 50 states. 20 down.

9) See all Disney movies from 1930-2009.

10) Attend a Symphony

11) Read 50 books

12) Watch AFI’s Top 100 movies of all time (0/100)

13) Road trip to Seattle

14) Move to Washington, D.C

15) Take a Picture of myself everyday for a year

16) Spend the day at a spa

17) Learn to identify 15 constellations

18) Learn to Tango

19) Be “Yes Man” for a week.

20) Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans

21) Get a tattoo

22) Learn how to make Sushi

23) Go wine tasting in Napa

24) Make a Clock

25) Take kickboxing class

26) Go to a Drive- In movie

27) Unplug for a weekend(0/5)

28) Play in the rain

29) Go to a shooting range

30) Spend a weekend in Las Vegas

31) Go on a cruise

32) See 5 shows on Broadway shows

33) Get second ear piercing

34) Pay for coffee for the person behind me at Starbucks

35) Bake Bread

36) Try 10 new restaurants

37) Lose 60 pounds

38) Learn to meditate and do so once a week (0/143)

39) Try Pilates/Yoga

40) Buy a DSLR camera

41) Buy a Mac Book

42) Try one new recipe a month (0/33)

43) Find a Job

44) Finish a Master’s Program

45) Get debt free

46) Eat at Top Chef winner Harold Dietarle’s restaurant Perilla in NY

47) Volunteer at a Soup Kitchen regularly

48) Go the World Cup in 2010

49) Train and run a 5k

50) Ride a mechanical bull

51) Eat dinner on top of the Space needle

52) Join/start a book club

53) See John Mayer in concert

54) Save $50 dollars a month(0/33)

55) Complete the 5, 000 word survey

56) Go to the Harry Potter themed section of Islands of Adventure

57) Read all 100 greatest books

58) Get CPR certified

59) Get a new pair of glasses

60) Write a poem every month (0/33)

61) Write in my journal once a week ( 0/143)

62) Start my memoirs

63) Go to 15 shows/concerts (0/15)

64) Cook a 7 course meal for friends

65) Drink more water

66) Travel cross country by train

67) Visit Mount Rushmore

68) Write a screenplay

69) Go a ballet

70) Donate 50,000 grains of Rice

71) Attend a Film Festival

72) Complete a New York Times Sunday Puzzle ( 0/3)

73) Learn to ice skake

74) Do 75 creative writing prompts

75) Participate in a Scavenger Hunt

76) Complete the 26 things Photographic Project

77) Do 25 random acts of kindness (0/25)

78) Go to a Jazz/Blues bar in Chicago

79) See How to Succeed in Business on Broadway

80) Bake a cake from scratch

81) Take myself out once a month (0/33)

82) Take a Sign Language Class

83) Treat Mom to a Trip

84) Buy a Car

85) Attend a food and wine festival

86) Create a cocktail

87) Learn how to use chopsticks properly

88) Be an audience for Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert

89) Eat 100% organic for a month( make habit)

90) Stay in bed and breakfast for a weekend

91) Compete a 1000 piece puzzle

92) Go to the Renaissance Fair

93) Ride the Ferris Wheel at Santa Monica Pier

94) Go a professional Sporting Event

95) Listen to Rolling Stones’ Top 500 songs(0/500)

96) See Jason Mraz in concert

97) Master 7 Classic Julia Childs Recipes

98) Buy a digital camera

99) Buy a pair of expensive jeans

100) Organize iTunes Library

101) Spend a Weekend in Charleston, S.C

the business of faith: calling all you angels.

2009-10-07T13:45:00.000-04:00

"Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil." - Proverbs 4:23-27

Over the last couple of weeks, the issue of faith has come up a lot in my daily interactions with people and every time I have sat down to write a new entry, its always on the forefront of my mind, but I always choose a different topic because I always think I am not ready to talk about or that I can't even talk about it because I wouldn't know where to begin. Being from a pretty religious family, I certainly remember mandatory church Sundays with my grandmother while growing up where I thought I got nothing out of the whole experience but lost playtime. As I grew older and mom started forcing me to go church, I was determined not to get anything from the experience if it killed me because I didn't want to be there. On top of that, I went to a catholic high school where not praying before each class period was the odd thing to do. With each church related experience, the further away from the whole experience I pulled away, until eventually I became jaded by the whole idea of faith.

I want to say I blame the plenty of hypocrisy I experienced but to me its not even a good enough reason. Yes there are hypocritical Christians, but why should I let them determine my experience? During family gatherings, the issue of faith and belief if guaranteed to come up and for as long as I can remember I have always cited that faith is a personal thing. That my relationship with God, my faith and my belief is my and God alone, no one else should tell me what I should and should not do to be a "good Christian", what music to listen to, what to watch what to read, because those things to me do not affect my faith or lack there of.

I have always been hesitant of talking about faith,church and stuff, on most days I think I am a non believer, on my better days I wonder about my faith. I know that faith is a journey, a personal one that is not easy and one that should be taken out of a person's free will and not forced or done to make other people happy. I have going to church ever since I can remember, less in the past couple of years because of college and just being disillusioned with the whole idea. I know doing to church doesn't make you a believer, it certainly wasn't that way for me, but I think its because church is an extension of your faith. I resent people who tell me, that church is the only way to pray. If my catholic education taught me anything its that prayer can happen anywhere, at anytime. At the momemt I am not sure where I am in my faith but that's for me to find out as time goes by.

The Men I Didn't Marry.

2009-10-02T18:53:00.001-04:00

She sifted through her laundry list of lovers. Crossing out the inadequate ones she created the perfect portfolio of passion.

by William Reschkle

I suck at relationships. This might be my trust issues but I am convinced that my real problem is the many romantic comedies I have seen over the years. I mean were is my tall, funny, handsome, witty, charming, successful, caring, responsible, awesome, thoughtful, amazing man. The one thats going to chase after me and convince me to be with him with the perfect words. Now I am well aware that men in these romantic comedies with their charming smiles do not actually exist because they are of a generic perfection, they appeal to every woman in that movie theater watching and falling in love just as much as I am but in the end you don't really want a laundry list of qualities, you want something solid and I think that's hard to come by and there should never be any settling. I'm currently reading this book called "The Men I Didn't Marry" and it's all about looking back on your relationship past and wondering if you maybe ended it too soon or stayed too long or that your current relationship isn't the right one but you stay anyways because is comfortable, familiar but you're ultimately unhappy. In the past weeks I have witnessed long term relationships come to and end and while its and unhappy time I commend those who make that decision to set each other free to try to find happiness elsewhere.

There are a few times I mind being single, but mostly I think this is the right thing for right now. I refuse to settle just I could say I am in a relationship.

is that the best you could come up with?

2009-09-27T02:24:00.001-04:00

I'm different, I march to the beat of my own drum, yadda, yadda, yadda and all that. I mean we are all different, that's what's truly beautiful about the world. but lately I have been in way too many situations where people expect me to explain why I am the way I am. Like I am suppose to have a little note card totaling every life experience that has led me to be the person I am today to pass out to so people would "get" me. The funny thing is that the person I am doesn't need to explain,apologize and/or make excuses for me or my actions. When I was younger, I used to try to explain but now it's more like "Here I am, take it or leave it" and I found it's better this way and that the relationships I have formed are more genuine. It's very liberating. Sometimes I wish that everyone said what they were thinking at the moment they were thinking it. It would definitely make for an interesting time. I figure they would be a lot of upset people but also a lot of happy people, because while I am cynical, I know people I thinking happy thoughts always.

memories as character builders

2009-09-23T22:03:00.003-04:00

Remembering

I was in a convenience

store on the way home and

in my hand appeared a grocery

list of my broken dreams.

I walked further into the

store, “ Clean up on aisle three”

said the voice overhead in

reference to that smoldering

summer I watched the

trees with falling

leaves made up of moments

that used to be as familiar as my

morning routine. One by one

they fell to the ground

as the moment passed and became

past .

The gentle breeze caressed my face

and brought with it a scent that clung to my

clothes and transported me to that night

we spent hours learning about each other

learning about ourselves.

We looked up and the sky

had already danced with the moon

and dawn was taking its turn

for only for a few moments

as the sky was saving its last

dance for the sun.

Did you know that the sidewalk

is concrete blocks of feelings

forever cemented and watermarked

on all the versions and definitions

of who I am and who I will become.

I walked, losing and finding

myself all at once. Remembering.

Reverence

The moment I learned to love,

You tacked my beating heart on your wall.

From time to time you would

wipe the pool of dripping blood

never pausing to consider why its bleeding

You’re used to the beating echos;

background music to your mundane

routine, an everyday reminder of your worth.

You are so carefree, never a thought to the day I would

stop beating, its suffocating loneliness,

I’ve been so thoughtless

I filled the open wound in my chest

with memories of our time on the last

day of our world. Reverence was spelled out

with each stroke of your rough hands on my anticipating skin.

Together, tangled, twittering in the overarching moment

between, "I belong with you, we were meant to be" and

"I know your heartbeat, it’s not in tune with mine.

I'm Sorry

Other rough hands have made that faithful journey

along my skin, teachers on how to spell comfort,

passion, regret, never reverence, never lasting,

never forever.

Memories are tricky things. On a good day I can barely remember where I put my phone, keys and sometimes my sanity. I wrote these poems a long time ago and I forgot for while that I had written them because its not what I do. . The funny thing is I remember the exact feeling and moment in which I wrote these. They were stories that had to be told and I couldn't keep in. So I took pen to paper and when I looked down this was what was left. I am very proud of them. They were written months apart but the share the memories thing I didn't notice until writing this. I am fascinated by memories, they are important to me in some way that I can't explain but I guess that's part of the journey.

clumsy dreams, clumsy memories

2009-09-17T04:14:00.000-04:00

I have endured many losses in my life, a father's love that should have been a birthright, but instead is a void filled with lies, resentment and empty promises. As an adult who has been somewhat jaded by the world. I remember a little girl no older than eight waiting naively with a packed suitcase by the door for a father who never came but believing week after week that it would happen in that way only a child could do. My mother never talked about my father, not in a good light and never in a bad one either and for that I am grateful and disappointed. I am glad I learned for myself about the kind of man he is while irrationally I wish she would have protected me from the truth she undoubtedly knew. While I know I am not the only girl with dad issues, hell men have capitalized on this for ages there are so plenty of us, I think my friends alone make out a good chunk of the percentage, its the dealing with it that makes all the difference. Now its not only the daddy issues that makes this girl, its a whole host of other experiences,this one is one I can't reconcile with for some reason. It clings to every relationship attempt, attempt because one way or another I will fuck it up. All I can say is introspection is a bitch.

I do not know why I just thought about this now, this was suppose to be a light and fluffy blog post about how I managed to burn the skin of my nose today ( as if I wasn't hideous enough) cooking. I manage to amaze even myself with the situations I get into. I thought it was a boring life I was leading, little did I know about the spluttering hot oil with perfect aim. Even though it seems I will be okay, no skin grafts needed cause that would have been truly unfortunate, the pain was unbearable and neosporin can die cause it did nothing for the burn, I had to take like a million advils ( hello pain medication addiction) soon enough I will be doing a fabulous 30 day stint in rehab and writing a revealing tell all autobiography about my sordid if not fabulous/fierce past.

Oh if wishes were dreams.

Ruin'd Hopes

2009-09-15T23:34:00.001-04:00

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell (1904 - 1987)

If we are dealt what we can handle, then I think someone overestimated my abilities, my strength and my character. I live in this volatile environment, where anything and everything is I do is tagged as having ulterior or sinister motive that I don’t have the energy to come up with because frankly, I am not that creative. I have been trying to handle not being free to do what I want and feeling like I am now achieving nothing with my life the way I have handled situations, head on. In order to curb my boredom, I have managed to pick up my old hobbies and some new ones. I am knitting (everyone is getting a scarf for Christmas), sewing, cooking and I am now a regular at the local library. I enjoy all these things and on some level I do enjoy the time off, but I wasn’t hardwired for this, I need to be busy. I think I am happier when I have a full schedule and I feel like I am contributing to society one way or another and knitting sweaters for people isn’t what I had in mind. I mean honestly, the most excitement I have had in the past couple of weeks is going the dollar theatre and watching Star Trek.

I feel like my life is slipping right though my hands with each day that I spend at home. It’s like I am waiting for something change, but I know that it’s me that has to make that change. Everyone around me seems to have their lives in order so to speak. I find myself being weary of going out around people because I know that inevitable “What are you doing now” question is going to be asked. I don’t have an interesting answer. I am not looking for outside approval. I could care less what people think, the problem lies with me and how I am disappointed in myself. This life is not what I imagined or planned and learning to let go of plans and go with the flow is a hard pill to swallow. I like knowing where I am headed and why but lately I have no sense of direction and I am just going through the motions and hoping for the best.

I know the tide will turn. I just need it to happen now.

As We Discover Who We Are

2009-09-08T23:27:00.002-04:00

It's been a couple of months since I graduated from college and I don't think I have ever been as lost as I am now. I can't seem to make a decision or the decisions I make seem to blow up in my face and it seems that four years of a college education are no longer enough to get a freaking job. No matter though, I always wanted time off after college and while its not on my terms its time off. For the first time ever I am complaining because I have nothing to do and not because I have too much to do. It's an adjustment to say the least, I find myself clinging to the old and familiar things just so I can feel connected to something. The thing is I want to move on, I am ready for new things but I don't know where to go or I am to get there.

I like to plan out things, I have always been a fan of knowing where I am going, but as of late its been one day at a time. Everyday is the same, but the feelings are different. I read a lot, listen to music and at watch movies, these are things I have always done, but now they are lifelines as well as teachers. I might be out of school but I am learning; about myself and the world. Over the years I have become self aware, introspection is now a daily exercise. I have taken to writing nightly journal entries but nothing so public and usually in erratic patterns and even though I always promise to make it constant I always seem to fail. I usually write when I am overwhelmed by a single emotion and its usually anger.

I have found that I express things I didn't even know I want to voice in poetry. I love how I can start with a certain idea but in the span of writing it turns into something completely different yet just what I wanted. I never think its good enough because I know people who have natural talent with words. Writing has always been a private thing for me and not a day goes by I don't wish I could go back and do college over again if not only to take the courses I wanted and not the ones I was expected to. So in the darkness lighted only by computer light I write and at the end of every sentence or stanza, there is a sense of accomplishment and my heart smiles then.

I do hope actually make this blogging thing a regular occurance, because it not as if I have anything else to do.