strip me.

Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime
Earning things that I don't need
But that's like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty




I'm changing.  Everyday I feel this shift in myself that seems like puzzle pieces moving about to find their place in the new landscape of the person I am becoming. There are a few things that I can pin point that I know changed the person that I could have become.


Constant Vigilance, I have learned so much from the Harry Potter series and the biggest lesson has to that of keeping your eyes open and to always proceed with caution, but not to the point it cripples you. Constant vigilance is simply understanding that its always important to take a second and closer look, to know that not everything is as it seems, and that not everything is going to be the way we imagined it was. Its understanding that rush judgement can and will forsake us.  I know that every single Harry Potter fan has their story, of why this series means so much to them, and my story is at one point in my childhood, Harry Potter was my imaginary friend who was there when no one else was, who was there when I was trying to fit in and the new world that I suddenly had to call home. It made me realize that it was okay to be different, that our differences actually enrich our interactions and make the world an interesting place to be. This is what I will always carry with me, that my experiences, my friends and my choices are making me into the the person that I am and will become with more living. 

the twenty something plight

the hardest thing for twenty somethings, well for me at least is that its harder to make make real friends now that it was back then. It's not so much as making friends than it is the wanting the have the friends you have in the same vicinity has you, but that gets harder and harder as people move away and move on. So you fall into a routine because you have suddenly found yourself in a 9 to 5 which when you were younger you swore you wanted because it would fix all those life ending situations only a teenager can have, but no amount of Dolly Parton singing will turn back time, but this is what you wanted right? right? After work, are exhausted and you just want to sleep. and you repeat process. 

Sometimes I just want to scream that I want my friends back, my old life back, or something which I don't really know because another thing I can't seem to be able to so is made a life decision. figures. 

you can't text message break-up:

"Now,not wanting to change it but having to change it? That takes everything you've got."- John Mayer

I have always hated text messaging, as I much prefer the swift phone call, but I went along with the times and joined the texting train. There is so much about texting that has always irritated me, you send a message and then you wait for the response, when you could have just called and said whatever it is that needs to be said. However, in today's world people seem to be losing the spoken word. I get it sometimes you can't talk because you are in a meeting, at work or around other people whatever the case maybe, but I think there should be some times that you can't text. Conversations that are too delicate and too important to have though text messages. Imagine a text message proposal, no one accepts that so why should it be acceptable for people avoid conversations by texting them. There are issues with how someone can receive a message and it reads like its not meant to and you end up with people putting words in your mouth and things get out of hand. That's why Carrie went crazy over being broken up with on a post it note,  I say post it note, text message, Dear John letters, emails or whatever shouldn't be used, its not right, it demeans the relationship, it says you are not even worth a phone call or even an in person conversation. 

So this is a pledge I am making to myself. I will no longer be using text message as means of communication. I will call, maybe leave a message and that's that. One good thing is I can now stop giving AT&T $10 per month for unlimited texting because I won't be needing it. I can actually even use that ten bucks to treat myself to some marathons at the $1.50 movie theatre. When a door closes, a window opens and all that jazz. 

fleeting freedom

It's a bit weird to find myself back here, exactly were I started. I have always had this idea that to achieve freedom I should go far away from home, somewhere nobody knew who I was and what my story was so that I could have a blank slate to be whoever I wanted to be. So being me, I left home and moved to a foreign country to live a life long fantasy that allowed me buckets of freedom. There I was anonymous in the crowd, girl A and I had the freedom to be whoever I wanted to be. Sometimes I would go out with an alias like those secret agents, complete with background story, Diana Prince, Mary Jane Kent , Stella Rollingrock, for me the fun lay in the name as I would smile to myself when I said  because it was obviously a way to geek out on all the comic book, t.v or movie characters. I enjoyed the anonymity that I was afforded and being back here feels like I am caged in with no way out, I feel as though I have taken several steps backwards and I have to start over. I feel like I am losing this race against my own goals and expectations, like I have failed myself.  Things aren't has simple as  as they seemed to just a mere week ago before I came back home.

I feel like nothing has changed at all yet nothing is as it was before...well maybe me talking in vague confusing terms like Dumbledore or Mr Miyagi is the only difference.  I feel like how you feel when you get back into your driver's seat after someone else has driven your car and has changed your seat and I am trying to get it back to a comfortable position, but I don't want to comfortable position to be what it was before. England didn't change my life forever, it enriched it with new experiences, friends and most importantly freedom. It was exactly what the doctor ordered but now I have to figure out the next steps from here, from this place I feel like is caging me in from all angles wanting to keep me trapped and immediate response is wanting to run away as far as I can to get back I what think I lost.