the twenty something plight

the hardest thing for twenty somethings, well for me at least is that its harder to make make real friends now that it was back then. It's not so much as making friends than it is the wanting the have the friends you have in the same vicinity has you, but that gets harder and harder as people move away and move on. So you fall into a routine because you have suddenly found yourself in a 9 to 5 which when you were younger you swore you wanted because it would fix all those life ending situations only a teenager can have, but no amount of Dolly Parton singing will turn back time, but this is what you wanted right? right? After work, are exhausted and you just want to sleep. and you repeat process. 

Sometimes I just want to scream that I want my friends back, my old life back, or something which I don't really know because another thing I can't seem to be able to so is made a life decision. figures. 

the journey is home.

A recurring theme in my life as been trying to figure out were home is. Looking back, I have even talked about it when I went back to Zimbabwe after so many years away. I am forever trying to reconcile my Zimbabwean heritage with my American upbringing and my need to explore the rest of the world to find those pieces of myself in those yet to be discovered places. I find myself being uncomfortable with being in the same place all the time, I have travelled away from home at very opportunity since I can remember and in the recent months, I have gone above and beyond to prove that. It might have something to do with hating my job, but that's another story, another dollar. In the recent months so many changes have taken place and what I can say I have taken way from it is that for me at least, I have figured out that the journey is home. The constant exploration of new and old places and faces is what grounds me when the positive is hard to find or I am at my wits' end. Figuring out where home is like a piece of the puzzle that is my so called life slotting into place, discovering something about myself that settles the constant questions that are forever swirling relentlessly in my mind.

It's been months since I have felt like putting my thoughts down and I am glad I am getting my mojo back. It's definitely time to start again.

you can't text message break-up:

"Now,not wanting to change it but having to change it? That takes everything you've got."- John Mayer

I have always hated text messaging, as I much prefer the swift phone call, but I went along with the times and joined the texting train. There is so much about texting that has always irritated me, you send a message and then you wait for the response, when you could have just called and said whatever it is that needs to be said. However, in today's world people seem to be losing the spoken word. I get it sometimes you can't talk because you are in a meeting, at work or around other people whatever the case maybe, but I think there should be some times that you can't text. Conversations that are too delicate and too important to have though text messages. Imagine a text message proposal, no one accepts that so why should it be acceptable for people avoid conversations by texting them. There are issues with how someone can receive a message and it reads like its not meant to and you end up with people putting words in your mouth and things get out of hand. That's why Carrie went crazy over being broken up with on a post it note,  I say post it note, text message, Dear John letters, emails or whatever shouldn't be used, its not right, it demeans the relationship, it says you are not even worth a phone call or even an in person conversation. 

So this is a pledge I am making to myself. I will no longer be using text message as means of communication. I will call, maybe leave a message and that's that. One good thing is I can now stop giving AT&T $10 per month for unlimited texting because I won't be needing it. I can actually even use that ten bucks to treat myself to some marathons at the $1.50 movie theatre. When a door closes, a window opens and all that jazz. 

fleeting freedom

It's a bit weird to find myself back here, exactly were I started. I have always had this idea that to achieve freedom I should go far away from home, somewhere nobody knew who I was and what my story was so that I could have a blank slate to be whoever I wanted to be. So being me, I left home and moved to a foreign country to live a life long fantasy that allowed me buckets of freedom. There I was anonymous in the crowd, girl A and I had the freedom to be whoever I wanted to be. Sometimes I would go out with an alias like those secret agents, complete with background story, Diana Prince, Mary Jane Kent , Stella Rollingrock, for me the fun lay in the name as I would smile to myself when I said  because it was obviously a way to geek out on all the comic book, t.v or movie characters. I enjoyed the anonymity that I was afforded and being back here feels like I am caged in with no way out, I feel as though I have taken several steps backwards and I have to start over. I feel like I am losing this race against my own goals and expectations, like I have failed myself.  Things aren't has simple as  as they seemed to just a mere week ago before I came back home.

I feel like nothing has changed at all yet nothing is as it was before...well maybe me talking in vague confusing terms like Dumbledore or Mr Miyagi is the only difference.  I feel like how you feel when you get back into your driver's seat after someone else has driven your car and has changed your seat and I am trying to get it back to a comfortable position, but I don't want to comfortable position to be what it was before. England didn't change my life forever, it enriched it with new experiences, friends and most importantly freedom. It was exactly what the doctor ordered but now I have to figure out the next steps from here, from this place I feel like is caging me in from all angles wanting to keep me trapped and immediate response is wanting to run away as far as I can to get back I what think I lost.

you got the love.

• 
  
  "Later that day, I got to thinking about relationships.There are those that open you up to something new and exotic.Those that are old and familiar.Those that bring up lots of questions.Those that bring you somewhere unexpected.Those that bring you far from where you started. And those that bring you back.

  But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all...is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you, you love, Well, that's just fabulous."

  Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  
• I have been thinking about relationships lately and I don't think I can put in better words than those above the many different kinds of relationships there just might be. Moving to a new city where you no virtually no one makes you appreciate the relative comfort of the relationships who already have as well has see just how strong they are. Another interesting thing about moving to a new city is how hard making real connections actually is when there isn't a pretext of going though the same experience like moving away to college to act as a starting point. Its interesting to meet and converse with someone with the full knowledge that the chances of ever seeing that person again are very very slim, but you talk about whatever, laugh together and share a bit of yourselves  regardless of how meaningless the conversation actually is and that is the beauty and the curse of virtual anonymity because sooner or later, you are going to need and want something more concrete.  You're going to miss the easy moments with friends and family that are now not as easy to organize and the I should have are starting to pile up.  I guess I have had relationships on the mind because it seems everyone around me is settling down, moving in together, getting married and having and/ or planning to have babies and I seem to be running away fast in the opposite direction. The thing about other people doing all this sort of makes you think about it yourself.  When I was younger I would have just dismissed the idea of marriage and would have said something along the lines of "its for other people, not me" but I think now its more of a maybe I could be the marrying type, maybe and even if I were to get married it wouldn't be now, definitely later and as for kids, at the moment thats still a solid no. Most days I feel like I can barely take of my needs yet alone the needs of someone more needy than I am.
  
• At the moment, I like where I am...unattached and free to roam the world. fabulous. 

music equals magic

There is something about hearing a song for the first time, the uncertainty and anticipation about whether or not you will connect with that song.Music is a lot of things for a lot of different people. For some is a way to escape, to forget, to remember and to belong.  For me music is all those things as well as about connecting and getting a sense of camaraderie  and a sense of I am not alone after all. Music is magic in its own way, the way it is strongly attached to memories is extraordinary. Like how every time I hear On the Radio by Regina Spektor I am immediately transported to furiously writing a paper at 5am in the morning that was due in two hours , or how It's A Metaphor fool  by Say Anything reminds me of my roommate and our dorm room and all the memories we made there.

When I have a good playlist going, I feel like I am actually never alone, and I feel like my train ride was actually shorter than I thought it would be because the music made the journey. I guess this is like my ode to music, to the songs that mean so much to me, to the catchy ones that terrorize me, to the ones I love to hate.

To Music.

busy as a bee.

It's been a week since I put up and committed to my list of a 101 things I want to accomplish in 2 .75 years and I've got to say, I am off to a bad start. I have yet to attempt even a single thing on the list. I don't even have a better excuse than life happens. In the past week, I have gotten into a fender bender, my first in my driving career. I was more pissed of than anything that it happened. I wasn't even on my phone or anything. It was one of those things that blindside you when you have plans and a million things to accomplish and no room in your budget to accommodate such things. The only thing is that it could have been much worse than it was but at the same I keep thinking it didn't need to happen at all. After the excitement of the minor traffic accident, I went with a friend to Washington D.C for four days. It was fun, I love DC and am making moves to make it my new address. Being the dork that I am,I salivated and spent an obscene amount of time at the Library of Congress. The place is awesome . The picture below, is one of the many things I love about the Library of Congress. Its of the Goddess Athena or Minerva. 

Not only was it fun, but I think I got some serious work out. We walked the National Mall from Capitol Hill, all the way to the Lincoln Memorial. I finally got to see all of that stuff so it was cool. Now I wish I had put some of the things I did this past weekend on my list, a lot of things would be getting crossed off. I plan on going back, there is still much to see in the federal city. 


I am hoping that things will settle down this week and I can sort of get back in the groove of things but I know its only wishful thinking, I have to start packing for my trip to Zimbabwe. I am excited, overwhelmed, scared, and just downright  think its weird that I am finally going back. I know I am going to feel like an outsider in a place I still consider home. I've changed and Zimbabwe has definitely changed, so hopefully it will be a nice to reacquaint 

i want to be free.

The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure , the process is its own reward. - Amelia Earhart

These days I am a fan of doing anything to break the monotomy of everyday life, so when I got the opprtunity of watching a movie( love it) for free(even better) I found myself agreeing before I even heard what movie it was, it turns out they were tickets to watch Amelia my excitement dropped a little. I love going to the movies, there is something about that big screen and the surround sound that just helps you get sucked into the story and for the popcorn, I am pretty sure is not a movie going experience without popcorn. I was't excited about watching Amelia because (excuse the critic for a minute) I didn't think that Hilary Swank could convince me that she was this larger than life woman who changed history. I walked in ready to hate everything about it, I was prepared to criticize at every chance. What I didn't except though was connecting so utterly with Amelia's life so much. The one thing she repeatedly said was that she just wanted to be free, free to see and experience the world.Through her passion, she was able to change the lives of many who only dreamed but never dared to try. When I walked into the movie, exactly how it was going to end and I was okay it that, when I walked out, I was planning a full blown search in my mind, she was probably just stuck on a cloud or something.

On the drive home, "I want to be free" sort of became a mantra in my head. It kept repeating itself over and over again, pushing to be forefront of every word I wanted to say. "I want to be free", it's a simple enough concept that everyone dreams of  but the execution of  the concept  is the difficult journey. For me that is the journey of life.