Ruin'd Hopes

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. 
Joseph Campbell (1904 - 1987)

If we are dealt what we can handle, then I think someone overestimated my abilities, my strength and my character. I live in this volatile environment, where anything and everything is I do is tagged as having ulterior or sinister motive that I don’t have the energy to come up with because frankly, I am not that creative. I have been trying to handle not being free to do what I want and feeling like I am now achieving nothing with my life the way I have handled situations, head on. In order to curb my boredom, I have managed to pick up my old hobbies and some new ones. I am knitting (everyone is getting a scarf for Christmas), sewing, cooking and I am now a regular at the local library. I enjoy all these things and on some level I do enjoy the time off, but I wasn’t hardwired for this, I need to be busy. I think I am happier when I have a full schedule and I feel like I am contributing to society one way or another and knitting sweaters for people isn’t what I had in mind. I mean honestly, the most excitement I have had in the past couple of weeks is going the dollar theatre and watching Star Trek.

I feel like my life is slipping right though my hands with each day that I spend at home. It’s like I am waiting for something change, but I know that it’s me that has to make that change. Everyone around me seems to have their lives in order so to speak. I find myself being weary of going out around people because I know that inevitable “What are you doing now” question is going to be asked. I don’t have an interesting answer. I am not looking for outside approval. I could care less what people think, the problem lies with me and how I am disappointed in myself.  This life is not what I imagined or planned and learning to let go of plans and go with the flow is a hard pill to swallow. I like knowing where I am headed and why but lately I have no sense of direction and I am just going through the motions and hoping for the best.

I know the tide will turn. I just need it to happen now.