As We Discover Who We Are

It's been a couple of months since I graduated from college and I don't think I have ever been as lost as I am now. I can't seem to make a decision or the decisions I make seem to blow up in my face and it seems that four years of a college education are no longer enough to get a freaking job. No matter though, I always wanted  time off after college and while its not on my terms its time off. For the first time ever I am complaining because I have nothing to do and not because I have too much to do. It's an adjustment to say the least, I find myself clinging to the old and familiar things just so I can feel connected to something. The thing is I want to move on, I am ready for new things but I don't know where to go or I am to get there.

I like to plan out things, I have always been a fan of knowing where I am going, but as of late its been one day at a time. Everyday is the same, but the feelings are different. I read a lot, listen to music and at watch movies, these are things I have always done, but now they are lifelines as well as teachers. I might be out of school but I am learning; about myself and the world. Over the years I have become self aware, introspection is now a daily exercise. I have taken to writing nightly journal entries but nothing so public and usually in erratic patterns and even though I always promise to make it constant I always seem to fail. I usually write when I am overwhelmed by a single emotion and its usually anger.

I have found that I express things I didn't even know I want to voice in poetry. I love how I can start with a certain idea but in the span of writing it turns into something completely different yet just what I wanted. I never think its good enough because I know people who have natural talent with words. Writing has always been a private thing for me and not a day goes by I don't wish I could go back and do college over again if not only to take the courses I wanted and not the ones I was expected to. So in the darkness lighted only by computer light I write and at the end of every sentence or stanza, there is a sense of accomplishment and my heart smiles then.

I do hope actually make this blogging thing a regular occurance, because it not as if I have anything else to do.