It's a bit weird to find myself back here, exactly were I started. I have always had this idea that to achieve freedom I should go far away from home, somewhere nobody knew who I was and what my story was so that I could have a blank slate to be whoever I wanted to be. So being me, I left home and moved to a foreign country to live a life long fantasy that allowed me buckets of freedom. There I was anonymous in the crowd, girl A and I had the freedom to be whoever I wanted to be. Sometimes I would go out with an alias like those secret agents, complete with background story, Diana Prince, Mary Jane Kent , Stella Rollingrock, for me the fun lay in the name as I would smile to myself when I said because it was obviously a way to geek out on all the comic book, t.v or movie characters. I enjoyed the anonymity that I was afforded and being back here feels like I am caged in with no way out, I feel as though I have taken several steps backwards and I have to start over. I feel like I am losing this race against my own goals and expectations, like I have failed myself. Things aren't has simple as as they seemed to just a mere week ago before I came back home.
I feel like nothing has changed at all yet nothing is as it was before...well maybe me talking in vague confusing terms like Dumbledore or Mr Miyagi is the only difference. I feel like how you feel when you get back into your driver's seat after someone else has driven your car and has changed your seat and I am trying to get it back to a comfortable position, but I don't want to comfortable position to be what it was before. England didn't change my life forever, it enriched it with new experiences, friends and most importantly freedom. It was exactly what the doctor ordered but now I have to figure out the next steps from here, from this place I feel like is caging me in from all angles wanting to keep me trapped and immediate response is wanting to run away as far as I can to get back I what think I lost.
I feel like nothing has changed at all yet nothing is as it was before...well maybe me talking in vague confusing terms like Dumbledore or Mr Miyagi is the only difference. I feel like how you feel when you get back into your driver's seat after someone else has driven your car and has changed your seat and I am trying to get it back to a comfortable position, but I don't want to comfortable position to be what it was before. England didn't change my life forever, it enriched it with new experiences, friends and most importantly freedom. It was exactly what the doctor ordered but now I have to figure out the next steps from here, from this place I feel like is caging me in from all angles wanting to keep me trapped and immediate response is wanting to run away as far as I can to get back I what think I lost.
Heyyyy, like me and Wilmington. I know I'm sort of a random person to respond to this, but I was just having this conversation last night.
ReplyDeleteI had an epiphany about life a few months ago and what it's like to get older. Around my high school years I started developing this intense desire to expand my horizons in any way I could- either by travel, social circles, the typical ways of thinking I grew up around, new music and art, everything. By college I began appeasing these liberating forces by meeting new people, giving serious thought and effort into what I really want out of life, and lifting the boundaries I had felt so strongly that always told me what I should be and what I could become. For the first time I was the one asking myself those questions, and there were no overhead restrictions.
In hindsight, I've seen many friends do the same thing. Not everyone does though, because some people get out of high school and they're scared to death of taking charge of their own life. They eventually find contempt in being told what to do or only meeting mediocre expectations.
You show all the signs of being a person with enough life and passions to drive you to success. So look at it this way: this feeling didn't wait until 10 or 15 years from now to happen, it's screaming right at the moment when you have the freedom to decide on your next move in life; no kids, no corporate ladder, no restrictions on your shoulders to keep you from responding to it.
I also have a theory that this push for freedom doesn't go away. It's like having a fear of the question "what if?" when thinking about your past. The only difference is one day we will reach a point where we have to compromise when defining opportunities for our lives demand that we undertake some form of "settling down" [shudders]. The niches and routines of life are out to get us, but we're more capable than ever right now to resist.
So my advice is take the desire for freedom and run with it. It's basically expected of anyone under 25 to be young and stupid, so milk it for all you can. Risk things and make bad decisions, because it's how you learn what you're capable of doing. I'd hate to know when I'm 30 that I was scared to attempt to start fresh in a new city with hardly any leads and make a place for myself. My attempt failed, but I'll always have the experience and I know that it foreshadows something really amazing and worthwhile coming out of such a risk one day.
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ReplyDeleteDamnit I hate blogger comment formatting. This is Jay Seawell, by the way.
ReplyDelete